Recently we’re hearing more and more about bird strikes on aircraft. From what I have been told, most of the hits are by large birds, usually Canada Geese. These geese, when they hit a plane, are like a Buick colliding with the Nancy Hanks. I’m afraid that a collision usually spells curtains for the goose and for the plane and its passengers.
I’ve had geese on my mind lately. I guess it’s only natural after the “miracle on the Hudson” event where an airliner was safely landed in a river in New York City. Tragedy was not to be on that cold day in January. Heroism and skill along with some tough New Yorkers, a dab of good luck and a generous dose of God’s grace saved the day and human life was preserved. It was a feel-good moment for the ages in an otherwise cold and dreary winter… no thanks to the geese. I’m assuming the guilty geese perished. Good riddance!
Next time we might not be so fortunate. In the meantime, I think there might be some things we could do to make air travel a bit safer in the large metropolitan areas served by both geese and by airplanes.
- Deer whistles on the wings of all commercial airliners. I think it has been proven that they don’t repel deer, but no one has tested them for geese and they would look really snazzy on the end of the wingtips.
- Plastic owls in the cockpit windows. Again, this method is unproven on geese, but we don’t want snakes near our planes either.
- Cats. Harkening back to the days of the Flying Tigers during WWII, airlines could paint a large cat’s mouth over the engine with the intake being the cat’s throat. Most birds are afraid of cats.
- Equip all airliners with turret guns. Off duty airline employees and passengers could take turns manning the guns. It gives a whole new meaning to the term “riding shotgun.”
Although we don’t have a lot of air traffic down this way, we do have other hazards. Anyone who has hit a deer knows the impact a large animal can make on a car. I don’t personally know anyone who has collided with a goose, but if they did, tragedy in the form of a greasy pile of feathers could ensue.
Also, what would happen if a train load of Yankee tourists were to encounter a gaggle of geese on the SAM Shortline? Not only would the flock be sucked into the diesel engine, resulting in total loss of power and a big feathery mess, control on the greasy track would also be non-existent. Those poor saps would slide all the way to Montgomery before coming to a stop.
Golfers already know the perils of dealing with geese. It doesn’t take long to realize that they are persistent, ill-tempered and somewhat stupid. (Geese – not golfers). They are also prolific breeders and, for the lack of a more civil term, big time poopers… and some of their favorite targets are golf greens and tees. Here again, we are talking about geese?
According to the internet, and of course we must believe everything we read on the internet, just fifty geese can produce two and a half tons of excrement in a year. That is a lot of goose grease! There is even a toll-free number provided to those who are up to their elbows in goose manure. That number, should you ever own a golf course or live by a lake is (866) POOPBEGONE. In case you are adding, that is too many numbers and dialing it could cause your phone to explode in your ear. If that happens, you can rest easy knowing that your phone is not the only explosive device in the area, for geese multiply faster than a pocket calculator.
With all the “squirting” going on I, for one, think we ought to be making better use of this natural resource. Here are some suggestions:
- Export Canada Geese to the Middle East. In short order they’ll forget about any enemy but the geese.
- Teach geese to eat bats.
- Teach geese to eat mosquitoes.
- Teach bats and mosquitoes to eat geese.
- Teach geese how to eat kudzu.
- Market “Redneck Foie Gras.”
- Sell them to Yankees as pets.
- Hire the Federal Government to set up a breeding program – they’ll be extinct in 3 years!
- Require all geese hens to wear Granny Panties. This is a sure-fire birth control method in any species!
- Set up television sets in known habitats playing reruns of the Rosie O’Donnell show and the Rosanne Barr show. This is almost as effective as Granny Panties.
And my all time best suggestion in the whole wide world: grind them up to create the latest agri-fuel – GOOSOLENE!
Published in the Americus Times-Recorder – March 8, 2009
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